Self-care Through Solitude - Day 63

I felt called to use the Incedental Tarot tonight and came up with the 9 of Oaks (pentacles). We see a mighty oak tree with a large, strong trunk that seems firmly rooted and numerous branches with a broad canopy. The tree is encircled by a wreath of oak leaves and 9 acorns. This card for me usually means independence and being comfortable in one's own skin. However, tonight it just feels like the powerful need for the elusive blessing of solitude in order to feel grounded as well as the need to be able to self support. That comes from the master 9 from the major arcana, The Hermit IX. It also draws on feelings of self-doubt and anger which cause me to withdraw and put up barriers. I totally get it since this is how I'm feeling a lot these days. Today I found out someone I care for very deeply is moving away. Though this will be such a good thing for him and that brings me enormous joy because he is such a beautiful soul, I felt a kind of sadness and loss that really kinda took me by surprise and went very deep. I didn't realize how much he means to me until I read the words saying he is moving. *sarcastic laugh* Ain't that always the way. But he and I are both too wounded to pursue the feelings that I now see are there. He's got PTSD from Iraq (though Veterans in general have a massive place in my heart, been down that road before!) and I've got the craziness that is my life right now so that'd just be some toxic bullshit. And I do recognize my tears where also reflecting pain from other relationships and friendships that have ended for one reason or other. When I said something to him today that reflected the afore mentioned kind of skewed self image, he text me the most beautiful picture. I made it my phone's screen saver. I need to be reminded of this message.

 

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Restoring Balance - Day 47

I just spent 7 hours in a car with 4 other humans who range in age from 7-79 years of age. I see where the phrase "driving me crazy" and "driving me to drink" came from lol. Omfg I'm worn out. And the pain level is through the roof right now in every way; muscles, bone and nerve. I seldom drink, but what I wouldn't give for a glass of Black Opal Shiraz right now! I was able to finally run a hot bath and soak in Epsom salts. While reading a wonderful magazine I found last week at Barnes & Nobel, I fell asleep in the tub for about an hour. I'd say this version of The Chariot and The Hermit say it all. (As much as I adore the device itself, why does iPad 2 take such shitty pictures?!)

I will now focus on my body and mind returning to a natural state of balance and well being before falling asleep. This time in the bed, not in the bathtub lol. Because all in all, it really was a nice day. By foucusing on that, I will ensure that tomorrow will be as well.

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Should I Start A New Blog??

So I've been toying with the idea of a new blog for quite some time now. Ever since I did the wonderful teleseminar with the very cool Theresa, The Tarot Lady. So I've asked "If I do this, what will I get? What will I give?"

GET:
6 of Pentacles, 10of Cups, 7 of Pentacles
Ok, straight talk here, I gotta say I was so happy to see some pentacles up in here lol. Because as aultruistic as I may be, I need and want to make some cash! The next thing that stands out to me is that the top row that has a lot of red and orange tones and the bottom has lots of blues and greens. This will bring me a lot of joy and will be something I am passionate about. I think these colours are to show that in spite of a lack of wands, this venture will  require me to take action and light a damn fire under my ass, something I so desperately need.
The 6ofP lets me know to NOT feel in anyway guilty about charging for readings! Fair exchange is no robbery! And as much heart and soul as I put into my readings I give a whole lot of myself. The circus tent is saying don't allow others to treat tarot as some cheap parlour game, respect it as a true skill not just cheap entertainment. The 6ofP is all about give and take.

The 10ofC says I will gain so much emotional fulfillment from this. I see the woman's left hand is the one holding the hand of the man she can not actually see. My guide(s) will be with me talking right in my ear so just lay back and relax just like this chick and trust the process. It's about feeling and feelings and the subconscious, that's why I think there are not swords. Don't think so damn much, just feel and let it flow!

The 7ofP tells me that I will get more confidence the more I practice and do the performance of it. Practice on my friends and their friends. That way I can evaluate my progress and continue to get better and better. But tarot is a continuous journey of learning, NOT a final destination of perfection. And as Theresa said, find my own voice, my own style. No matter how many times the same song has been played, the world has never heard it sung in my voice. I also think this is speaking directly to my confusion about traditional meanings and intuitive interpretations. It is calling to mind how I just found out that a song that I've loved for years is actually a re-make. The Looking Glass by Siouxsie and the Banshees was actually done like 10 years earlier by Kraftwork. What if Siouxsie had not thought her own way of expressing the song had just as much (maybe more??) value than the original? Use the original meanings to build from and create my own version. And don't compare myself to anyone but me as I evaluate my progress!

GIVE:
The Hermit IX, 8 of Swords, 10 of Wands
I notice that this row has all shades of greens and blues in contrast to the upper row. I will give people emotional support and a means to grow. And I see all three cards have mountains, so I'll also give them a way to overcome the obstacles they face. Two cards have homes at the top of the mountains. I do have the ability to make others feel safe and cared for.

The center card calls to me first, the 8ofSw. People come to readers when they feel stuck. My blog will give them a safe place to clear their head and sort things out, all of those self-imposed limitations that keep all of us trapped and made to feel like victims. I will give my readers (including me!) a way to stop going round and round, back and forth in a figure 8, like a rat on a wheel with no way off.

The Hermit shows how that can be accomplished. For me this card has always been like the Grand Poobah version of the 6ofP. Once you've gotten that wealth of knowledge, it is each of our responsibility to pass it on. This Hermit is writing in his journals, like I will be typing on my keyboard. The little bird on his left shoulder again says that my guides will be there to make sure I give the proper information in the best manner of understanding for each person. And I love the look of pensive compassion on his face.

This 10ofW shows all of these people who have been turned into puppets, trapped, not living but just kept prisoner by some unseen force. And the are stuck on this tiny ledge with little margin for error. But the strings look like if they just gave them a few good yanks they'd break. They are all looking down and their hearts are covered by their arms. The new blog could be what inspires people (starting with my own ass) to cut the crap that keeps us trapped and closed off from living life to the fullest. And again, here is another house. It may be an uphill battle, we may fall a few times, but that's damn sure better than being victims of circumstance.

What Do You Want Me To Know Right Now? 3/17/11 @ 3AM

I just asked my cards/The Divine/my guides, "What do you want me to know right now?"
The first card I notice is the 4 of Swords. I kinda think that this means since it's 02:51 I need to carry my tail to sleep! I am such a nocturnal creature so my days and nights are always spun around. Even when I was a flight attendant I picked up every red-eye I could get. I have things to do tomorrow so even though I don't have to get up early per se, I do have to get up earlier than my body will be  pleased with since it's 3am and I'm still wide awake.

The Hierophant V let's me know that this is not just one of my guides, but God/Goddess speaking to me. This card to me is all about The Divine saying "get your shit together. you can b.s. the rest of the world  and maybe even yourself, but not me. So I"m calling you out!" He is the ultimate teacher. And I see the school of fish on the card and with the 8 of pentacles right next to it, I know it's addressing how passionate I am about being a student of the tarot. (There are a lot of earth cards so I know this also means that I can be financially successful at this!)

Another take I am getting is the bird in is hand as the girl is trying to peek at him. She has on a striped shirt in both this card and the 8ofP and that makes me think of Paris and my dream of going to pro make-up school there. "A little bird told me you want to be a student of tarot as well as make-up. So why are you hiding so sheepishly back there and not talking directly to the teacher? Because if you look at who you are in the 8ofP, you can see how much potential for growth you have. And for success. You'll look back on this period of insecurity, fear, and doubt and it will seem so far away because you will be a star for all the world to see. And you to be able to see if you allow yourself to see yourself as a star. That's why it's on your face in the 8ofP. But if you keep lounging all day and not taking action, that you'll be grey like she is in the 4ofSw. Then you'll wonder where the time went. You've got to leave the reef little fish, like Nemo. You have to grow up and take chances or you'll always wonder what else is out there for you."

I felt I needed to pull one more card. It is The Hermit IX. This version of it looks like Jesus to me and makes me think of how he had to go out on his own to find the answers of who he was meant to be and why he was put here to bring enlightenment to the world. Just like Shakumuni Buddha. I want both make-up and tarot to be a means for helping people create joy from within and to share that with the world. The Hermit IX is also tied to the sign Virgo, and school starts in September lol.

The bottom line card is The Hanged Man XII. Only I can get me free from the ropes that hold me back. The guy with the butterfly net is chasing his dreams and he is doing it his way. With a happy red heart on his cheek.