Thursday, January 16, 2014

Self-care Through Solitude - Day 63

I felt called to use the Incedental Tarot tonight and came up with the 9 of Oaks (pentacles). We see a mighty oak tree with a large, strong trunk that seems firmly rooted and numerous branches with a broad canopy. The tree is encircled by a wreath of oak leaves and 9 acorns. This card for me usually means independence and being comfortable in one's own skin. However, tonight it just feels like the powerful need for the elusive blessing of solitude in order to feel grounded as well as the need to be able to self support. That comes from the master 9 from the major arcana, The Hermit IX. It also draws on feelings of self-doubt and anger which cause me to withdraw and put up barriers. I totally get it since this is how I'm feeling a lot these days. Today I found out someone I care for very deeply is moving away. Though this will be such a good thing for him and that brings me enormous joy because he is such a beautiful soul, I felt a kind of sadness and loss that really kinda took me by surprise and went very deep. I didn't realize how much he means to me until I read the words saying he is moving. *sarcastic laugh* Ain't that always the way. But he and I are both too wounded to pursue the feelings that I now see are there. He's got PTSD from Iraq (though Veterans in general have a massive place in my heart, been down that road before!) and I've got the craziness that is my life right now so that'd just be some toxic bullshit. And I do recognize my tears where also reflecting pain from other relationships and friendships that have ended for one reason or other. When I said something to him today that reflected the afore mentioned kind of skewed self image, he text me the most beautiful picture. I made it my phone's screen saver. I need to be reminded of this message.


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