Leave Behind, Move Toward Re: Scorpio Mamma

This afternoon I asked "What do I need to leave behind? What do I need to move toward?" I felt drawn to my Deviant Moon Tarot (I so need to do an interview with it and give Lisa a proper thank you. Slacker, I am)

Leave Behind- Empress III Rx- I have only used this deck two or three times since I got it. If I had any questions about how well it will connect with me, those are gone. This is crystal clear that the issue with my mother and I is the answer to the question. I am very slowly, but at long last coming to accept and trust that stressing over things DOES NOT HELP! GUILT DOES NOT HELP ANYONE OR ANYTHING! In fact, it makes things worse if anything. If you knew how much hair has fallen out of my head due to stress your jaw would hit the ground. My doctor's did. This card is telling me that the unhealthy situation of emotional control has got to end. (For the love of God I am 39 years old for 3 more days! Really??) I have  prayed on this and made it part of my Yule Celebration to bring healing and shed light on how we can best have a positive, healthy, happy relationship. Now, I have to trust and allow that to happen and not worry. Easier said than done. Damn Scorpio woman. Agh!

Move Toward- Ace of Pentacles Rx - The first thing I noticed was the pentacle in the dragon's hand. I have wondered why it is Rx when the card is upright?? Pentacles are growth and stability. The pentacle is upright, but only when the card is Rx. I feel like this is saying to me that sometimes things have to happen bass-akwards in order to turn themselves around. This will be a long and ongoing process of healing our relationship. We love each other more than words can say, but we are very very different people who tend to rub each other the wrong way. It makes both of us very very sad. The dragon represents how scary this is for both of us, as well as how scary we can both seem. The dragon's hands on the pentacle say to me to hold onto my faith. I did a spell on this, Let it go and let the Goddess do her work. (Dear God, my mother would drop dead if she heard those words. After she killed me lol. Oye vey)

Bottom Line- Temperance XIV - This card is total confirmation that this deck will speak to me very clearly and that I need to spend some time getting to know it better. The lovely blue angel is pouring her healing love into the bowl. That makes me think of a momma's chicken soup when you are sick. I always see the angel on Temperance as the Arch Angel Raphael, the angel of healing. And he is letting me know that the other cards are confirming how I need to handle this and that he is at work and hear for me and for her. Thank you dear Raphael so very much.

Does anyone else who is a grown woman have Mamma issues?? Please feel free to comment if you have any words of wisdom. I could use all the support I can get on this one. Thx

Emotional Transitions

I've been getting emails I signed up for from this very interesting sounding self-help lady, Lissa Rankin. She was an OB/GYN who had a very successful practice but she gave it up to pursue her true passions in life and decided her calling now was to help the rest of us learn to purse out dreams. (I'll add her link) This email was about  transitions in life. More often than not they are forced upon us; death of a loved one, loss of a job, moving. It can so often be so difficult and painful. Even if it's a marriage that you know you need to get out of, a job you know you should leave, a move you know you should make. I've been through all of the above and each time didn't want to let go, to go through the painful transition. Why the hell does it seem so much more appealing to stay with the devil you know than to try out the one you don't?? What if the one you don't know is an angel who's getting a bad rap? Lissa makes a very good analogy of the transition of birth. How the fetus is in the warm safe womb and has to leave and what an unpleasant and very scary experience that is. But once this transition is forced upon you, there is no turning back. You either keep going forward or you perish. She goes on to make another profound analogy with regard to the transition of death. For a nano second it almost made death sound appealing. Not all in a way that makes me want to rush the timing of mine along mind you!! But in a way that makes it seem not at all a bad thing when it has happened to my loved ones or when it will happen to me. So maybe.....just maybe....if I can see death as a really cool transition that I will have to make at some point not matter how scary it may be, then maybe I can see all the transitions I am making right now as a good thing, no matter how terrifying and and imposing they seem.

The three cards I drew today speak right to this. The 8 of Cups calls to me first. It's all about not wanting to leave a situation that has a very deep emotional hold on you even though you really should let it go. How perfect since I emailed a certain someone last night that I had told I was going to pull  away from yet who I am so drawn to, so deeply. The woman in the card is trying to  move forward but it's like that tree branch shows how this man is so deeply in her head. They both look so sad. He doesn't want to let her go, but he is because he knows he can not give her what she deserves. He has his hand on his heart. I think this is my answer for every time I wonder if her really does have feelings for me. It also shows how scared he is to give it to me. He has such a far away look in his eyes. He is remembering how I was there for him during his deployment in a way that many other Soldiers have told me was so amazingly loyal and loving that it was probably overwhelming and frightening for a him since he has never had anyone like that in his life, definitely not during his last deployment. That far away look also shows him thinking of all the  pain in his heart from his past and lack of belief that he can do anything to change his life and heal some one the damage of his past demons. Like that damn glass in his hand and the woman pouring out the contents in the glass she is holding. He, like most Soldiers, is an alcololic and I want to pour every last drop around in right down the drain. This is where I get into trouble and can't cut her hair in the picture that is the symbolic cord between us, but I so know I need to. Yet why does that feel like makes me yet another person abandoning him.
The 9 of Cups in this deck (like so many cards in it) is such a new spin on it. The woman is under the water. The 9ofC is about wish fulfillment and dreams coming true. As a Buddhist, the Japanese feel to the imagery is screaming a couple of very important things. We believe in the limitless potential of every human being, yet how we get so clouded in our minds due to fear and doubt. I always preach this to the afore mentioned man, yet clearly I need to remind myself of my own limitless potential. The other thing is that in order to do that I must chant more often than I have been. (We chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo) In the picture she is reaching up to that swan sitting in the light of the gorgeous full moon. The full moon is all about giving birth to whatever you have put your energy into, a time when life is at its fullest potential. I feel like her. Under all that water, just drowning in fear and doubt and insecurity. Only she is not drowning is she. She looks so afraid, but also tired. She is also reaching up to that swan, a wonderful symbol of transformation and self love and acceptance. The beautiful koi at the bottom is like he is cheering her on. My subconscious mind. I may have a long way to go, but i need to remember I can do this. Or, I can not....and drown in the sea of self-doubt.
The last card is Temperance XI. Patience---ugh. Not one of my finer virtues I must say in matters where it should be, yet I have an overabundance in matters where I shouldn't. It's funny that this card is ruled by the sign of Sagittarius, my Soldier's zodiac sign. The desert makes me thing of him in Iraq. This card has a lot to do with a relationship that you have a problem with (not necessarily a romatic one mind you). I feel like in spite of that, it is saying I need to put myself on a pedestal like this woman has and attend to the other aspect of this card. It is said that the angel on Temperance XIV is Raphael, the angel of healing.
The spread is now reading like a story from left to right. I've got to make the transition and get from under the sea of emotions that are holding me back from healing my own life. Maybe the best way I can help this man is to live my life, create my own happiness and lead by example. 

Passion Pit

 I was going for my Initiatory Tarot of the Golden Dawn and realized the bautiful Star XVII card was facing me.  Then I heard and felt one of my guides pull my hand to my Universal Goddess deck. She said to me, "don't shuffle, no need. I 'll direct your hand." I open up the deck, and I'll be damned in The Star XVII in that deck isn't what I open up to!!  I am pretty sure I know which guide it is. She told me to pull a few more until I'd pulled 5 cards in total.  While all this is going on, a song I have never heard before comes on my Moloko Staion I created on Pandora called The Reeling by Passion Pit, a group I've never heard. It's all cloudy and rainy and cold and this song is one of those ones that make you forget that or the fact that you are in your living room and not at the club in a brand new pair of shoes from Bebe! So I just looked it up plus lyrics on Youtube. And now I'm looking at the cards again..... LOL!!!

The Star XVII, Ace of Cups, 3 of Swords, The Empress III, Temperance, and Knight of Pentacles. 


Oye vey..... lol!!