Leave Behind, Move Toward Re: Scorpio Mamma

This afternoon I asked "What do I need to leave behind? What do I need to move toward?" I felt drawn to my Deviant Moon Tarot (I so need to do an interview with it and give Lisa a proper thank you. Slacker, I am)

Leave Behind- Empress III Rx- I have only used this deck two or three times since I got it. If I had any questions about how well it will connect with me, those are gone. This is crystal clear that the issue with my mother and I is the answer to the question. I am very slowly, but at long last coming to accept and trust that stressing over things DOES NOT HELP! GUILT DOES NOT HELP ANYONE OR ANYTHING! In fact, it makes things worse if anything. If you knew how much hair has fallen out of my head due to stress your jaw would hit the ground. My doctor's did. This card is telling me that the unhealthy situation of emotional control has got to end. (For the love of God I am 39 years old for 3 more days! Really??) I have  prayed on this and made it part of my Yule Celebration to bring healing and shed light on how we can best have a positive, healthy, happy relationship. Now, I have to trust and allow that to happen and not worry. Easier said than done. Damn Scorpio woman. Agh!

Move Toward- Ace of Pentacles Rx - The first thing I noticed was the pentacle in the dragon's hand. I have wondered why it is Rx when the card is upright?? Pentacles are growth and stability. The pentacle is upright, but only when the card is Rx. I feel like this is saying to me that sometimes things have to happen bass-akwards in order to turn themselves around. This will be a long and ongoing process of healing our relationship. We love each other more than words can say, but we are very very different people who tend to rub each other the wrong way. It makes both of us very very sad. The dragon represents how scary this is for both of us, as well as how scary we can both seem. The dragon's hands on the pentacle say to me to hold onto my faith. I did a spell on this, Let it go and let the Goddess do her work. (Dear God, my mother would drop dead if she heard those words. After she killed me lol. Oye vey)

Bottom Line- Temperance XIV - This card is total confirmation that this deck will speak to me very clearly and that I need to spend some time getting to know it better. The lovely blue angel is pouring her healing love into the bowl. That makes me think of a momma's chicken soup when you are sick. I always see the angel on Temperance as the Arch Angel Raphael, the angel of healing. And he is letting me know that the other cards are confirming how I need to handle this and that he is at work and hear for me and for her. Thank you dear Raphael so very much.

Does anyone else who is a grown woman have Mamma issues?? Please feel free to comment if you have any words of wisdom. I could use all the support I can get on this one. Thx

Thanksgiving Day 2011

I just got in from a very full day of wonderful family and lots of great food. I saw people I haven't seen in years and it was wonderful. I got to see my precious cousin Dominique who has grown into a  beautiful young lady, and her dad Kenny who is just the best! I laughed and felt a lot of love, and I also had some folks say some smart-ass stuff to make me wanna smack them lol. But hey, it's the holidays. That is par for the course, so whatever. Overall, I had a very nice day.
But in the bottom of my stomach, at the back of my head, there was this nasty, unpleasant feeling, like a pebble in the shoe. My mom and I are at odds *fake surprise face*. She and I will never see life the same way by a long shot! And that causes a WHOLE lotta problems. But all that for another time. The point is that I'm sitting here now and feeling sad about the situation that has been the case for as long as I can remember.

So I decided to ask my beautiful Shadows & Light Oracle, What do I need to be thankful for today that I'm not seeing right now?" When I first pulled the deck out of its box, the card titled Autumn Is My Last Chance was the one at the top. I started to shuffle and after only a couple of times that card came falling out. The girl looks so lost, so sad as she stands in the mist in the woods. The mist makes me think of "getting all misty" as in crying, which I've been on the verge of for about 1/2 hour. It also makes me think of confusion and not seeing things clearly. She has on a olive-colored dress and though she is so sad, she has such a sweet face and these really pretty bat wings. To me this speaks to one of my favorite things in life, dichotomy, opposites that work together beautifully. She is saying to me that I have got to love and accept myself as I am and somehow stop worrying about what my mother thinks of me. She is so pissed, excuse me, "devastated!" that I do tarot cards. Are you fucking kidding me...!? I guess given my mother's level of intelligence I expect so much more from her and am shocked that she would say or feel something so damn stupid. Maybe it's unfair to say that how another person feels is stupid, but happens to be how I feel, for someone so well-read to be so small minded and simple. But as I look at the card, I see that this little dark angle is beautiful just as she is. Her bat wings on enhance her beauty and uniqueness. I need to be grateful that I am not like the masses, that in so many ways I am my own unique person and that is beautiful and special no matter what ANYONE thinks. Her caption reads "Please don't loose hope!" I do feel pretty hopeless right now about a lot of things. But she is saying to hold on. Which is funny because I happen to be listening to a song that has a chorus that says "dry your eyes, please don't cry, you can be strong if you just hold on". Even though the song is a totally different context, the line is really striking me now for this situation. The dark angle is holding onto a shiny red apple, reminding me I have my health, my back is SOO much better than it has been in years and that alone is more than enough to be thankful for! Now that I read the booklet I further understand that her message is that the apple is to show me that I have everything I need, so use it. Once I do, I will let go of the need for approval, shelter or rescue from others.
Thank you Goddess. Right now I am thankful for this moment of peace and clarity and for the Shadows and Light Oracle that led me to it.