Rabbit Heart in a Taurus Full Moon

"Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intension of throwing at another"
~Nichiren Diashonin

I have heard the call of the Goddess so strongly since I got back to New Orleans. I have been practicing Nichiren Buddhism for the past 2 years. I am so happy that I did. But She has called me back and it is a feeling down deep in my soul.

My 40th birthday is right around the corner. I have been dreading it because I feel SO unaccomplished in my life. Nothing is as I'd have hoped at 39. But I finally have turned the corner on my feelings about that. Like my grandfather used to say, "If you don't like getting old, try the alternative" My friend Willow suggested I do a banishing spell so I have a clean slate to do a spell on the new moon to bring the things into my life that I want. So I have done a very simple but powerful spell. I haven't been a practicing witch in several years so I no long have alter supplies. Plus where I am it is very difficult to do spell work. Here are the items I used:

writing paper
1 silver candle
olive oil            
sea salt
lemon zest
1/2 & 1/2
a white paper plate
purple ink pen
tarot cards- the High Priestess II, 9 of pentacles, Empress III. Ace of Wands, Ace of Pentacles, 6 of swords, and The Hierophant V

I sat down and I wrote a letter of forgiveness to everyone I harbor any resentment or anger toward. It was actually not as hard as I expected it would be. (I guess once a week for 4 years with a shrink actually does pay off. Humph.) But I just let it rip, anyone or thing that I still had beef with. The Scorpio ex b/f, the airline I used to worked for, my parents, previous roomates. (And if you've read any of my posts from Feb-June, then you know that bullshit was real hard to do!) Even the individual who date raped me when I was 19 and took my virginity. I didn't even realize that was still an issue at this point in my life. Not a big one, but there is still some anger and hatred no doubt. But 20 years is a really long time to be pissed off no matter how good of a reason. It was a bit of a challenge to not be judegmental and to also assume responsibility for my part in things when needed, yet not blame myself for things that were not my fault or beyond my control. And that brings me to the most important person I had to forgive- ME! All 5 of them crazy chix in my dome! I have to banish the self-doubt, anger and negative feelings about myself, my life. It's like... it's like being an emotional hoarder. Let that shit fucking go man! Free your mind, your ass'll follow! I'm sick and tired of being prisoner to Fear and Doubt. They got ta go!

You will notice the big shiny reflection of the counter top. Normally that would drive me crazy and get cropped, but when I was taking the pix it looked just like the full moon shining down. So I kept it.

So I wrote my letters/notes. Then I selected the cards that coincide with my intention and with the energy of a Taurus full moon.
The HP II because I want to stop doubting my self and my intuition. I have more than enough life experiences at this point that I damn sure can start to have complete trust in myself! And how gorgeous is she in this deck, plus the full moon on it.
 9ofP beacuse I want to be an indpendant, self-sufficient woman who has a wonder home and is secure and comfortable within her own skin. Plus this card represents the 9 disks in my back that bothered me for so long. And we all know how much I love black cats and Catwoman. This is my all time favorite 9ofP!
The Empress because she is associated with Taurus, but more so because I have never had kids because if fear and doubt. Fear of loosing my independance and personal freedom and fear of finances, another Taurus issue. Also because I recently found out that at 38 I started menopause. Are you fucking kidding me... But my gut tells me don't believe it as far as fertility. If I choose that I really want one, I will have one. I've decided I do since I have been around a baby everyday for 2 months. But that'll be in another post.

AofW- again the mom issues and creating the life I want in general and having it filled with passion and energy. And the fertility aspect. This may just be the most gorgeous AofW I have ever seen!
AofP- Taurus and money security issues. I want to remove my negative and false ideas about money and prosperty in general.

The Hierophant V Rx- Ruled by Taurus and all about following what God/Goddess direct you to do. Also about not being a slave to what society says is "right". I felt this version really captured that.
6ofSw Rx- I've made posts about how this version looks like the guy in the front is Fear and the one in back is Doubt and they are keeping this powerful creature enslaved. I want to move on to a better life and freedom from negativity. I don't ususally use Rx cards but for this spell I did on these last two because these are things I want to banish. I just took the picture right-side-up so we can see what the cards look like.

I have my silver candle burning right now as I type this out. That way I am further infusing it with my intent, which is what magick is all about. If you want to know more about casting spells, check out Rowan Pendragon's site. She is amazing and a wealth of knowledge.

*this was actually done on 11/11/11 though it is being posted a day later

I have been listening to Florence + The Machine while I have been sitting here. I love their music so much. Rabbit Heart I think is perfect for this! Because I will no longer be a rabbit-hearted girl! (Lyrics below the video.)

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE LYRICS

"Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)"

The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take? (Raise it up)

You made a deal, and now it seems you have to offer up
But will it ever be enough? (Raise it up, raise it up)
It's not enough (Raise it up, raise it up)

Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
It seems I've made the final sacrifice

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

I look around, but I can't find you (raise it up)
If only I could see your face (raise it up)
Instead of rushing towards the skyline (raise it up)
I wish that I could just be brave

I must become a lion hearted girl
Ready for a fight
Before I make the final sacrifice

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

Raise it up, raise it up
Raise it up, raise it up

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift

I found a really great post from the blog The Tarot Speakeasy, it's called Resolving Fear and Doubt. Two faithful companions that I am SO very sick of. I have added the link the blog so you can see how the spread is done as well as the very cool theory behind it. Here is what I got:

Step 1: The card that matches my inner most fears and doubts at this moment- 6 of Swords
In the Tarot of the Sweet Twilight, the 6ofSw is shown with 3 figures in stead of just the usual two on most decks and once in a reading I heard so clearly that the figure in front was Fear and in the back was Doubt, and there I was, shackled in the middle, not flying high. This applies to how i feel about so many things. I think the trick to understanding this version of the card is that it's not always the things that are happy and "positive" that offer the most assistance on moving forward. It's actually the crappy, scary, f*kd up things that often times have the most potential to take us to where we need to go in life. But it's much easier to be taken prisoner by them than to use them as a means of escape from what ever prison that keeps is held captive. My greatest fear is just remaining stuck, trapped by these two, like I have been for far, far too long, and never breaking free.

Step 2: The card that matches my strengths- 6 of Cups
It's kinda disturbing that I had to narrow it down to just one card for Step 1, yet had a hard time finding a card for Step 2..... I  chose this card because I have a gift for making people feel emotionally safe and reminding them of fond memories from past situations  and of what makes them lovable regardless of how others may see them.  (funny I happened to choose two 6's)

Step 3: The Anti-doubt- The Empress III
This is who/how I  must be to resolve the fear and doubt. I first notice how very confident this Empress is, so confident she has the whole world in her hands and stars of hope surrounding it. (Note, there are six stars. I gotta look into what 6's mean. Also the Empress is a 3). The next thing I see is that her head is in the air (logic, thought) and her heart is in the water (emotions, healing, love). I need to see that neither is more important than the other, they just have different places. She is saying to me that if I am more loving and patient with myself, the confidence will come. I will then be able to teach others do the same.

Step 4: A sign to look for that it's working- Knave of Wands
This is reminding me of how important listening to the right music is! Music can alter my mood almost instantly. I need to listen to songs that motivate and inspire me to be driven and not give up.

I really liked this exercise and will have to try it again!

Your Disastrous Dream Come True

I'm trying a spread from a new lady I found on FB, Living Tarot. At first I was having a really hard time with the cards I got. I started to talk it out and then it started to fall into place.
EXERCISE~ YOUR DISASTROUS DREAM COME TRUE~ Pull out your deck. Shuffle, while thinking "Which past dream come true in my life has brought me the most disastrous results?" Lay down the Five Card Spiritual Commentary: Card 1 = Short Answer~ Cards 2,3,4 = Long Answer~ Card 5 = Spiritual Commentary.

First thing I notice: NOT A FIRE CARD IN SIGHT!


The first category is Air- This is about my way of thinking and how I deal with stress.
The second category is Earth, Earth, Water--There are 2 earth cards and 1 water. This grouping says to me not to let my emotions keep me stuck. Also the earth shows how money and health are in question.
The third category is Air- Again, it all comes back to changing my mindset and how I deal with stress.

Short answer: Card 1--4 of Swords- The first thing I notice is her back and that she is laying down resting, so this is about my back injury.

Long Answer: Card 2,3,4-- Knight of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles and 2 of Chalices 
The first thing I see is the QofP which is my card since I'm a Capricorn. I see the lotus blossoms so this says to me that my Buddhist practice is a large part of this issue. I didn't start practicing until after I fell. I often see the huge object behind her as the moon, but today it's a pearl, as in wisdom, or a gift. Also the connection of pearls and Japan and Nichiren Buddhism being from Japan. I'm thinking of how a pearl is made from that grain of sand that is a major irritation for the oyster but creates something so precious and beautiful. So I need to realize that though I am pretty badly injured, in the grand scheme of my life, it is but a minor irritation that will have great benefit if I can adopt the Buddhist way of thinking that obstacles are really benefits if we turn poison into medicine. The Queen is holding a pentacle so I'm thinking I need to do more reiki on myself and somehow get massages and other forms of hands on healing. The Knight of Pentacles is about patience in creating tangible results and God knows that has been the case. He looks pissed and is moving away from the Queen. The KntofP is here to remind me tht diligence and hard work are what gets tangible results. As if to say my inner pissed off teen-ager needs to grow up and not turn away from the mature part of myself who wants to grow up and be a woman with roots and stability, but to listen to her advice and to not give up. With this serious of an injury, I will always have to work very hard at keeping my spine in good shape. Since the knight has wings and is is on that flying fish over rough seas, it is making me think about how much I miss being a flight attendant. The caduceus on the 2 of Chalices confirms for me that this is the medical situation that has had such an emotional impact on my life. Why is she letting go of the flowers? I can't let go of my dreams and just stay in bed. And this has been a great way for me to learn who I am in order to find the right man for me. We often talk of wanting our soul-mate. I've learned that as imperative as love and passion are for me, I've always missed the mark on compatibility. In this version of the 2ofC they look to be total opposites, yet still seem so well matched. A lot of times opposites do attract, and one of the few marriages I know of that I think is truly rock solid are two people who on the surface are as opposite as two humans can get. But their core values, beliefs and desires are the same. I think the only way for me to find that is through really knowing who I am at my core. And being injured has given me a whole lot of time to do a lot of soul searching.

Spiritual Commentatry: 6 of Swords--The angel is saying to me to forgive myself and that will break those chains I see that are keeping her/me from flying. I have to take off that blindfold and face these two characters who I am allowing to keep me bound and holding me hostage. And I can see who they are and know their names as well as I know my own! That asshole in front is Fear and the one in back is that jackass Doubt! Look at his face! The traditional meaning of the 6ofSw is about moving onto a better place or situation. If I want to do that, I've got to change my mindset and and stop focusing on the stressful and painful things I'm dealing with and allowing them to hold be captive. I even think it means I am to be a flight attendant again, only this time recognizing my worth and having an employer who does as well.

The card at the bottom of the deck is The World XXI-- What a wonderful card and this deck has such a beautiful interpretation of it. Life is about cycles, life lessons to be experienced, learned, and then move on to the next cycle. Sometimes there will be tears shed, and lots of them, but don't let that negate all of the beauty in this world, and as corny as it sounds, keep looking up to the stars, your hopes and dreams. This card also confirms that I am so meant to travel the globe and bring beauty to it. One way is through being a make-up artist. But also the beauty of my spirit that will be enhanced through the lives I touch and who touch mine. If I forget the lessons or don't even learn the lessons I'm supposed to through the back injury, I will be short changing myself as well as the many others who lives I'm supposed to touch by sharing my experiences and bringing them encouragement.