Friday, December 30, 2011

Keep Tryin'

If you have followed my posts for any period of time then you know I am pretty much a strait shooter, so much to the point that I am quite often crass. I'm ok with that. I feel like there is a time and a place for everything. When I created this blog, I kept saying that I just wanted one place in the world that was really, truly mine. Where I could be 100% Me, the good, bad, ugly and in between. Not get caught up in what others think or expect of me. Although I have a very strong sense of propriety, especially in public or formal settings, I can't do fake or bullshit. I am also a terrible liar. But I realize that I so often lie to and b.s. myself-- gp figure. Capricorns have a really bad tendency to do the ignore-it-it will-go-away/ostrich thing. I tend to ignore when things are bad. Hell, I even ignore things when I think they could potentially be bad! That's why I am so horrible about checking my voicemail. I may go a month and not check it. So often it is bad or less than pleasant news. But I don't have the luxury of time to waste any longer. I'm 40 now, Phase II has begun. I always say, if I could just get out of my own way, God only knows how far I'd go.
When I do daily draws I usually ask the question what do I need to know today? But it popped in my head to start asking a different question; "What can I do to empower myself today?" Since my Tarot of the Vampyers is so brutally honest with me, and since I was feeling tough enough for brutal honesty, I asked her. I did my Rockstar Reading (center card is the front man, the two are the backup singers) Here is what she said:

Rx 8 of Skulls - The first thing I heard was "hard-headed". Astrologically this card is the sun in Virgo. It is reminding me that I need to be methodical and pay attention to details. (I am SO not a detail type person!) The whole list making thing goes a long way with me. Virgos are organized and need structure. Of course this card would be Rx for me! Because I really do feel like an underachiever. I get all motivated, but then I loose my steam. Why is that? I really cannot express how much I do not like that about myself.

 4 of Knives - I swear to you, I saw this card in my mind before I pulled it. Today it is telling me not to overdo it since today is the first day I haven't wished for death because of the flu. I notice how the girl is looking at the Rx 8ofSk, as if to say even though I need to chill and still give my body a chance to finish recuperating, I still need to focus on how to address the points that card has made. Focus on its message, but NOT stress! I can't get all wound up and start spinning out on the hamster ball that is anxiety. Maybe I should do some meditation. No, not maybe, I should do some meditation. It's as if the girl is learning from the statue how to calm herself and be still. I can feel the wind blowing through her hair as I look at the card. Maybe I should use this card for meditation.

Rx Prince of Chalices - Oh Lord, these cards are so honest with me it hurts lol. He is reminding me of how I tend to get all emotionally wound up about things, then don't follow through with the necessary action to make my dreams a reality. Then I'm all mopey and depressed like Debbie Downer. Knights go on quests, this one on quests to fulfill his heart's desires. Rx, his ass is just sitting around like Eeyore, "Oh Poo, m'tail fell off..."

I guess all I can do is keep trying. No matter how many times I fail, including when I fail to even try. I have to accept myself without judging mySelf, yet still be honest with mySelf. *sigh* Not easy. But I am determined to keep trying. Hell, it's all I can do huh.

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