Sunday, March 20, 2011

Face to Face

So I got a message from an old friend I have not seen since the night we met back in '05, about a week before Hurricane Katrina. Then we found each other on FB a few years ago and occasionally say hey, what's up or Happy Birthday since we are one day apart. The chemistry between us is HOTTT!!! So he hit me up this evening via FB and text to let me know that he will be in town tomorrow. (Well, since it's 03:52 we can call it today huh.) I'm torn about seeing him. I really do want to. He's a really cool guy. But I have reservations about it for several reasons. A. I'm about 15lbs heavier than I should be. Now I'm very lucky that I carry my weight very well since I'm kinda tall and am lucky enough to have a pretty nice shape naturally. But 15 lbs too much is 15 lbs too much no matter how ya stack it!! And though he is almost 10 years older than I am, he is in amazing shape. He used to be a professional athlete and still looks like it!  2. is the fact that my back is has been so bad lately. Being in chronic pain is such (ok, here it comes...really bad pun) well, such a pain! Today I was walking around looking like a ward of the state and didn't get out of my pajamas until like 9:00 at night! And here I am in quite a bit of pain right now. It can make me cranky and not the best company to be around and often keeps me from going places and doing fun stuff. And 3. he works in the airline industry like I used to until I fell and damaged 9 disks. It's so hard to deal with the normal questions people ask: How are you? What are you up to? Where do you work? Well what do you do? How do you manage? Will you go back to flying? What do the doctors say? How long has it been? UGHHH!!! So all of that to say I have a few very deep insecurities that are keeping me from wanting to see him. I could always say that now isn't a good time for me, but that would only lead to the question "Why not?" since I have expressed that I'd really like to see him when he can get an overnight here. And to lie and say I'm not in town or something like that just seems dumb. I'm 39 and I'm gonna lie about anything much less dumb shit!?? I mean, for real!

So of course I had to consult the cards.
Holy. Cow. !
Sooo many things that are so perfectly descriptive of the dynamic between he and I!!! So I shall just name but a few.

First thing I notice straight away is that 3 out of 3 cards are Majors! And the first one is The Lovers VI! LOL And this version in the Tarot of the Sweet Twilight is so incredibly beautiful and romantic. I notice that the woman is nude as the man gently caresses her face. It shows how vulnerable I feel right now, how exposed to disclose what is going on (or not going on as the case may be) in my life right now. But I guess this also shows that he will be compassionate and accepting of me just as I am. Which, if he isn't, why be with him at all, regardless of what the dynamics are! The two lovers on the card are as if they are an island unto themselves. Maybe he needs to be alone with me and to feel safe too. And the way it is just floating in mid-air makes me think of us working on an aircraft, miles above the planet.
The next card is my beloved High Priestess II. I guess in many ways we are both a mystery to each other. And I think for him I really am. Talk about mystery and romance, we met on a hot summer night in the French Quarter and it was an instantaneous attraction about as subtle as white lightening streaking though the velvet sky just before the crack of thunder whips through the clouds before a rain storm. And I must say, I most definitely let my inner High Priestess II run the show! I look at this version of her and have to laugh. There is often a lot of "cat and mouse" interaction in our conversations. I see the High Priestess as an alluring seductress. Kinda hard to feel that way these days though. The look on the cat's face is more like how I feel! "Oh! Shit! He's gonna see through the veil! I'm no good at game playing and so I won't be able to keep up the facade that my life is going just fantastic!" I also notice that the High Priestess II has her back to the next card, the Emperor IV, who clearly has two sides to who he is and is fine with letting me see both. This card is represents a man who is powerful and has good business sense, posses a lot of character and strength and has his shit together. As a pilot, this card really could be a good one to represent him.  It's like the Priestess has her back to him and is looking off into the distance into the "if only..." that is not my reality at this time. And he is looking dead at me. I'm gonna have to face him, yet I still want to retain some air of mystery and magnetism with him. If this card is here, then so far I have. But can I keep that?? The High Priestess is the woman that a man is drawn to like a bee to honey, or more appropriately, the ocean to the moon. Even when he is not consciously thinking of her, she is not that far away from his thoughts. She's under his skin. Even if they don't see each other or speak often, he never forgets her or how she makes him feel. It also shows how he had confided in me about a lot of personal thoughts and feelings about himself and his life.

The card at the bottom of the deck is the 9 of Pentacles. This is by FAR  my very FAVORITE 9ofP and dare I say the best interpretation I have ever seen!!! I was looking at it earlier today and for some reason was thinking about New Orleans! This card just screams everything I think the 9ofP is all about and everything I want for my life, The deep red says passion, as a personality trait, but a passion for life. She's Catwoman for Goddess' sake! The 9ofP is about a woman who is confident and strong and has not had anything handed to her easily, but has worked hard to attain what she has and is very comfortable and financially secure but also very secure within herself. She chooses to be with others is she so desires, but she is very independent and no matter what, she always lands on her feet! It's like the High Priestess has changed outfits, still looking off into the distance, only here she looks so much more content and at ease. Is it because she has her mask on? This deck is sooo Tim Burton-esque! I now hear the the lines  spoken and the song that was in Batman Returns when Michelle Pfipher/Selina Kyle was at the party dancing with Bruce Wayne/Michael Keaton. It was "Face to Face" by Siouxsie and the Banshees and it is one of my very favorite songs. "Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it." We have spoken many times, but this will be the first time in 6 yrs (!!! Holy shit Batman, where in the world does time go!?!??!) seeing each other face-to-face. I wonder if either of us will really take of our mask or if when we kiss, will we allow ourselves to mean it...

**Update-- This reading couldn't have been more accurate lol! I am so glad I did this reading and took its advice. It was so nice to see him and I could tell my guides putting the Siouxsie song and the Catwoman/Batman dynamic into my head was so accurate. And when I took of my mask to a good degree, he did as well. And boy was I pleasntly surprised. I was so afraid he would see my life as one big giant hot mess and judge me. Meanwhile, he spoke very briefly, yet finished my sentences as though he read my mind, only he spoke in first person. And in that moment I was so very glad I did go to see him. And as opposed to feeling down on my self and how my life has been for the past few years, I felt understood and accepted. My God, what better gift can you give another person. I don't know if it ever struck me so deeply that there actually can be a greater gift than love.
And I also felt like a school girl having her first kiss that night! LOL I kept thinking of this song: 

** Why the hell this is so damn large is beyond me LOL!!

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