This morning's card from my Earth Magick Oracle was Island - Solitude. It's kinda perfect because yesterday marked the very first day I've been all alone since... Holy fucking sheep shit. Since May 30. OH MY FUCKING GOD IVE NOT BEEN BY MYSELF SINCE MAY 30?!?! 7 WEEKS TO THE DAY OF CONSTANT INTERACTION WITH OTHERS EVERY SINGLE DAY??! Sweet Jesus it's a wonder I'm not in a mental institution with Haldol running through an IV drip! I had no idea it'd been this long. As an empath that's some very dangerous behavior! No wonder I've been depressed and anxious and had extreme back pain, sleepless nights and feelings of impending doom! I've got all of my own shit plus that of all the people around me that I'm absorbing NON STOP. Leaving NOLA was traumatic and that day was so fucking painful and stressful I had a total melt down. Then got in a car to drive 16 hours up to Chicago because my wife's (my best friend Michaelle) father died. Oh to hell with it, I'm not going to rehash all the details. It was some bullshit. It also was wonderful because it made me, Michaelle and our friend Wendy even closer. But then I had to fly to Philly to deal with some extremely stressful things within a 9 hour period and then get on a flight to London, followed by a 3 1/2 hour bus ride. I'm here visiting my amazing friend Karen. Her 14 yr old lives here, and for the first 6 weeks of my stay, her 21 yr old son and his girlfriend (lovely people!) lived here as well. Then I find out my dog died. Jesus on a bicycle.
All I can say is, did you ever see the movie Falling Down by Michael Douglas? I deserve a fucking medal for not going on a mass killing spree. And a cookie. From the Double Tree! In Paris! While wearing a pair of boots by Lanvin! Preferably these:
So last week the older two moved out and into a fantastic new home. And Sunday Karen and the youngest went on vacation to Thialand. So this is the second day in approximately 51 days that I've been alone. Mother of God.
This card shows a green expanse of solitary land. Some parts are a smooth carpet of moss-like grass, others are rock formations that form a peak leading to the night sky. The island is surrounded by a body of water that is as perfectly smooth and still as polished glass, reflecting the land and the sky. One side of the island is shrouded in darkness, the other in light because a large portion of the sky is covered by ominous dark clouds. Yet from the opposite side of the sky a silent veil of moonlight casts an ethereal glow. In the center of the island is a single tree. It looks like a mighty oak, but it has a gorgeous canopy of amethyst blooms. There is nothing at all scary of loney about this image, just the beauty of peaceful stillness. This tree has been left unattended by humans and it thrives. The purple flowers make me think of the crown and third eye chakras. The moonlight makes me understand the importance of quite reflection as it shines through the dense stagnation and congestion of the thick clouds and onto the pristine water.
I decide to do something I've been feeling pulled to do since I worked with Kiki as my life coach (God I miss her!) but have not done. I have taken a vow of silence today. At least until 6PM. If you know me, you know what a challenge this is LOL! Now since there is nobody here but the three cats, it sound super easy. But it's been four hours now, and doing this with purpose has a very different feel to it. A very good feel. And Goddess knows I am that crazy bitch who freely talks to herself and the cats lol!
I intended to ask tarot why card will help me and then do a shuffle to specifically ask which of the court cards would be whispering messages to my mind. Two cards fell out, one a court card. The 5 and Page of Swords. Damn. "Extreme negative self-talk" is what I instantly heard. The ultra critical self-destructive voice of ego that is nothing more than a fucking bully who points out everything I'm doing wrong, have done wrong, will do wrong, how fucked up things are and always will be. "You type too damn slow! You need to start making some money. You still haven't called your mother in a week? You've gained damn near 10lbs ya know. You should walk today, but you probably won't." Yada yada fucking yada.
This very direct Pg of Sw, giving his completely unaffected stare, offers me a choice delivered on a lapis lazuli colored cushion (pausing now to go get that stone and keep it with me today...) Continue listening to that shit or not. We can't kill off that member of the board of directors in our dome, but we can tune him out by tuning into more positive voices. I'm finding out how to do that by so many of the YouTube channels I subscribe to a few of which include anything by Abraham-Hicks and Tony Robbins. Another way is yoga each day for the past 8 days. I also will start reading a book one of my new British friends let me borrow that addresses this issue and teaches how to manage it. The air aspect of both cards also address the thoughts I've had about looking up videos on breathing exercise and mindfullness. I wonder if I communicate telepathically with any of the cats??
In the immortal words of one of my favorite bands, Depeche Mode:
Words like violence, Break the silence
Come crashing in
Pierce right through me
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