Now ordinarily I would be starting to freak out completely with the cards I drew today, but actually it's kind of a strange comfort. in that it tells me that I am actually in touch with my cards and guides. Because I've been freaking out and unable to sleep and stomach a wreck. And today I drew the
10 of wands and
The Devil. See? Total conformation that things are as fucked up as I feel they are. Or at least that I feel as fucked up as I feel. Overwhelming fear and impending doom to say the least. I just got some way bad news confirmed. I'm still in Atlanta and few days ago I wrote how I felt something wasn't write with my room mate back in Philly, but I didn't know what. Well at this moment I still don't, but I do know I will need to move. I feel like dude in the 10 of wands, so much heavy weight to carry, back hurting, face down in the shit. Out in the wilderness, alone. He's got to cut those red ropes that hold all that shit. What are my red ropes?? Fear, doubt, anxiety, pain, guilt, shame, insecurity... just to name a few. And of course the big dog of them all who rules all of those pleasant things, ole Prince of Darkness himself. Sitting on that hourglass I do feel like a fool and time is running out. So how do I somehow find a positive in all this awful shit. Plain and simple, I gotta face my fears head on and deal with the shit because it's about to deal with me! This is a serious test of faith. If the man in the 10 of wands drops his heavy load and turns around, there seems to be sunlight in the clearing, a way out of the thick woods. And The Devil of the LoD deck isn't nearly as scary as he is in most decks. Now looking at his muscles, this is not going to be an easy fight or situation to overcome!! But I see the Capricorn symbol. I've GOT to be a true goat-fish! Adaptable, yet strong and determined to get to the top of the mountain. I have to believe in myself and limitless potential to be able to create the life I want!! In Buddhism, hell is not an actual destination, but, a state of being or life condition. Where one feels trapped and completely hopeless, helpless and in utter misery. But the man in the card can jump (take a huge leap of faith!) to the poll and crawl down and get out. This is so gonna suck, but I can do this.
At the bottom of the deck is the
8 of Swords, but of course lol!! This too is exactly how I feel, alone, trapped, and like any move I make will cause me more pain and fuck myself up. Hell, she even looks like me! And damn it's dark and wooded where she is! So what the hell is she falling into!? But I do see Jupiter behind her, the planet of good fortune. And "a sword in the hand of a coward is useless!" according to Nichiren Dishonin. So I had better grow a pair and cut myself free and help my damn self out of this situation.
I can't imagine what would make things come to this b/c my roomate and I are so close and love each other so dearly (although something or should I say someone does come to mind...) but some shit is clearly about to jump off.
I drew one more card, just for s&g and it was
The Fool lol! Same guy who is pictured on The Devil card. His legs are so strong and he has the world at his feet. And the hourglass is full. Somehow....somehow, this is going to be a good thing in the end. A whole new beginning. I have got to make my mind focus on that and keep the faith.
UPDATE: So it's about 4 hrs later, and yes, I was asked to leave. Hence
The Tower and
QofS the other day. I'm shocked b/c we so often talk about my being there. That even though it was supposed to be temporary but b/c it has turned into 1 1/2 yrs it's totally fine. That she loves having the company. That b/c she was in the same kind of situation years ago she understands and is happy to pay it forward. That though it is for very different reasons, she needs me there as much as I need to be there. She says this has nothing to do with me, that she needs her space and she is in no way angry or resentful that I have been there and loves me still, but b/c she just found out that her back is getting so much worse she needs her space. Now what the hell sense does that make!? She'll need me even more! I'll go to my grave knowing it was the who and not a "what" that happened to cause this shit. I am pissed, and very hurt, but I will never ever forget all the love and kindness she did show for so long. I've already been blessed enough to have a mutual friend ask me before I even thought to ask her about moving in. So I'ma take this as blessing. An opportunity to get my damn shit together and make some much needed MAJOR changes and start living the life I deserve.---In my own damn house that is lol!
