Emotional Transitions

I've been getting emails I signed up for from this very interesting sounding self-help lady, Lissa Rankin. She was an OB/GYN who had a very successful practice but she gave it up to pursue her true passions in life and decided her calling now was to help the rest of us learn to purse out dreams. (I'll add her link) This email was about  transitions in life. More often than not they are forced upon us; death of a loved one, loss of a job, moving. It can so often be so difficult and painful. Even if it's a marriage that you know you need to get out of, a job you know you should leave, a move you know you should make. I've been through all of the above and each time didn't want to let go, to go through the painful transition. Why the hell does it seem so much more appealing to stay with the devil you know than to try out the one you don't?? What if the one you don't know is an angel who's getting a bad rap? Lissa makes a very good analogy of the transition of birth. How the fetus is in the warm safe womb and has to leave and what an unpleasant and very scary experience that is. But once this transition is forced upon you, there is no turning back. You either keep going forward or you perish. She goes on to make another profound analogy with regard to the transition of death. For a nano second it almost made death sound appealing. Not all in a way that makes me want to rush the timing of mine along mind you!! But in a way that makes it seem not at all a bad thing when it has happened to my loved ones or when it will happen to me. So maybe.....just maybe....if I can see death as a really cool transition that I will have to make at some point not matter how scary it may be, then maybe I can see all the transitions I am making right now as a good thing, no matter how terrifying and and imposing they seem.

The three cards I drew today speak right to this. The 8 of Cups calls to me first. It's all about not wanting to leave a situation that has a very deep emotional hold on you even though you really should let it go. How perfect since I emailed a certain someone last night that I had told I was going to pull  away from yet who I am so drawn to, so deeply. The woman in the card is trying to  move forward but it's like that tree branch shows how this man is so deeply in her head. They both look so sad. He doesn't want to let her go, but he is because he knows he can not give her what she deserves. He has his hand on his heart. I think this is my answer for every time I wonder if her really does have feelings for me. It also shows how scared he is to give it to me. He has such a far away look in his eyes. He is remembering how I was there for him during his deployment in a way that many other Soldiers have told me was so amazingly loyal and loving that it was probably overwhelming and frightening for a him since he has never had anyone like that in his life, definitely not during his last deployment. That far away look also shows him thinking of all the  pain in his heart from his past and lack of belief that he can do anything to change his life and heal some one the damage of his past demons. Like that damn glass in his hand and the woman pouring out the contents in the glass she is holding. He, like most Soldiers, is an alcololic and I want to pour every last drop around in right down the drain. This is where I get into trouble and can't cut her hair in the picture that is the symbolic cord between us, but I so know I need to. Yet why does that feel like makes me yet another person abandoning him.
The 9 of Cups in this deck (like so many cards in it) is such a new spin on it. The woman is under the water. The 9ofC is about wish fulfillment and dreams coming true. As a Buddhist, the Japanese feel to the imagery is screaming a couple of very important things. We believe in the limitless potential of every human being, yet how we get so clouded in our minds due to fear and doubt. I always preach this to the afore mentioned man, yet clearly I need to remind myself of my own limitless potential. The other thing is that in order to do that I must chant more often than I have been. (We chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo) In the picture she is reaching up to that swan sitting in the light of the gorgeous full moon. The full moon is all about giving birth to whatever you have put your energy into, a time when life is at its fullest potential. I feel like her. Under all that water, just drowning in fear and doubt and insecurity. Only she is not drowning is she. She looks so afraid, but also tired. She is also reaching up to that swan, a wonderful symbol of transformation and self love and acceptance. The beautiful koi at the bottom is like he is cheering her on. My subconscious mind. I may have a long way to go, but i need to remember I can do this. Or, I can not....and drown in the sea of self-doubt.
The last card is Temperance XI. Patience---ugh. Not one of my finer virtues I must say in matters where it should be, yet I have an overabundance in matters where I shouldn't. It's funny that this card is ruled by the sign of Sagittarius, my Soldier's zodiac sign. The desert makes me thing of him in Iraq. This card has a lot to do with a relationship that you have a problem with (not necessarily a romatic one mind you). I feel like in spite of that, it is saying I need to put myself on a pedestal like this woman has and attend to the other aspect of this card. It is said that the angel on Temperance XIV is Raphael, the angel of healing.
The spread is now reading like a story from left to right. I've got to make the transition and get from under the sea of emotions that are holding me back from healing my own life. Maybe the best way I can help this man is to live my life, create my own happiness and lead by example. 

Face to Face

So I got a message from an old friend I have not seen since the night we met back in '05, about a week before Hurricane Katrina. Then we found each other on FB a few years ago and occasionally say hey, what's up or Happy Birthday since we are one day apart. The chemistry between us is HOTTT!!! So he hit me up this evening via FB and text to let me know that he will be in town tomorrow. (Well, since it's 03:52 we can call it today huh.) I'm torn about seeing him. I really do want to. He's a really cool guy. But I have reservations about it for several reasons. A. I'm about 15lbs heavier than I should be. Now I'm very lucky that I carry my weight very well since I'm kinda tall and am lucky enough to have a pretty nice shape naturally. But 15 lbs too much is 15 lbs too much no matter how ya stack it!! And though he is almost 10 years older than I am, he is in amazing shape. He used to be a professional athlete and still looks like it!  2. is the fact that my back is has been so bad lately. Being in chronic pain is such (ok, here it comes...really bad pun) well, such a pain! Today I was walking around looking like a ward of the state and didn't get out of my pajamas until like 9:00 at night! And here I am in quite a bit of pain right now. It can make me cranky and not the best company to be around and often keeps me from going places and doing fun stuff. And 3. he works in the airline industry like I used to until I fell and damaged 9 disks. It's so hard to deal with the normal questions people ask: How are you? What are you up to? Where do you work? Well what do you do? How do you manage? Will you go back to flying? What do the doctors say? How long has it been? UGHHH!!! So all of that to say I have a few very deep insecurities that are keeping me from wanting to see him. I could always say that now isn't a good time for me, but that would only lead to the question "Why not?" since I have expressed that I'd really like to see him when he can get an overnight here. And to lie and say I'm not in town or something like that just seems dumb. I'm 39 and I'm gonna lie about anything much less dumb shit!?? I mean, for real!

So of course I had to consult the cards.
Holy. Cow. !
Sooo many things that are so perfectly descriptive of the dynamic between he and I!!! So I shall just name but a few.

First thing I notice straight away is that 3 out of 3 cards are Majors! And the first one is The Lovers VI! LOL And this version in the Tarot of the Sweet Twilight is so incredibly beautiful and romantic. I notice that the woman is nude as the man gently caresses her face. It shows how vulnerable I feel right now, how exposed to disclose what is going on (or not going on as the case may be) in my life right now. But I guess this also shows that he will be compassionate and accepting of me just as I am. Which, if he isn't, why be with him at all, regardless of what the dynamics are! The two lovers on the card are as if they are an island unto themselves. Maybe he needs to be alone with me and to feel safe too. And the way it is just floating in mid-air makes me think of us working on an aircraft, miles above the planet.
The next card is my beloved High Priestess II. I guess in many ways we are both a mystery to each other. And I think for him I really am. Talk about mystery and romance, we met on a hot summer night in the French Quarter and it was an instantaneous attraction about as subtle as white lightening streaking though the velvet sky just before the crack of thunder whips through the clouds before a rain storm. And I must say, I most definitely let my inner High Priestess II run the show! I look at this version of her and have to laugh. There is often a lot of "cat and mouse" interaction in our conversations. I see the High Priestess as an alluring seductress. Kinda hard to feel that way these days though. The look on the cat's face is more like how I feel! "Oh! Shit! He's gonna see through the veil! I'm no good at game playing and so I won't be able to keep up the facade that my life is going just fantastic!" I also notice that the High Priestess II has her back to the next card, the Emperor IV, who clearly has two sides to who he is and is fine with letting me see both. This card is represents a man who is powerful and has good business sense, posses a lot of character and strength and has his shit together. As a pilot, this card really could be a good one to represent him.  It's like the Priestess has her back to him and is looking off into the distance into the "if only..." that is not my reality at this time. And he is looking dead at me. I'm gonna have to face him, yet I still want to retain some air of mystery and magnetism with him. If this card is here, then so far I have. But can I keep that?? The High Priestess is the woman that a man is drawn to like a bee to honey, or more appropriately, the ocean to the moon. Even when he is not consciously thinking of her, she is not that far away from his thoughts. She's under his skin. Even if they don't see each other or speak often, he never forgets her or how she makes him feel. It also shows how he had confided in me about a lot of personal thoughts and feelings about himself and his life.

The card at the bottom of the deck is the 9 of Pentacles. This is by FAR  my very FAVORITE 9ofP and dare I say the best interpretation I have ever seen!!! I was looking at it earlier today and for some reason was thinking about New Orleans! This card just screams everything I think the 9ofP is all about and everything I want for my life, The deep red says passion, as a personality trait, but a passion for life. She's Catwoman for Goddess' sake! The 9ofP is about a woman who is confident and strong and has not had anything handed to her easily, but has worked hard to attain what she has and is very comfortable and financially secure but also very secure within herself. She chooses to be with others is she so desires, but she is very independent and no matter what, she always lands on her feet! It's like the High Priestess has changed outfits, still looking off into the distance, only here she looks so much more content and at ease. Is it because she has her mask on? This deck is sooo Tim Burton-esque! I now hear the the lines  spoken and the song that was in Batman Returns when Michelle Pfipher/Selina Kyle was at the party dancing with Bruce Wayne/Michael Keaton. It was "Face to Face" by Siouxsie and the Banshees and it is one of my very favorite songs. "Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it." We have spoken many times, but this will be the first time in 6 yrs (!!! Holy shit Batman, where in the world does time go!?!??!) seeing each other face-to-face. I wonder if either of us will really take of our mask or if when we kiss, will we allow ourselves to mean it...



**Update-- This reading couldn't have been more accurate lol! I am so glad I did this reading and took its advice. It was so nice to see him and I could tell my guides putting the Siouxsie song and the Catwoman/Batman dynamic into my head was so accurate. And when I took of my mask to a good degree, he did as well. And boy was I pleasntly surprised. I was so afraid he would see my life as one big giant hot mess and judge me. Meanwhile, he spoke very briefly, yet finished my sentences as though he read my mind, only he spoke in first person. And in that moment I was so very glad I did go to see him. And as opposed to feeling down on my self and how my life has been for the past few years, I felt understood and accepted. My God, what better gift can you give another person. I don't know if it ever struck me so deeply that there actually can be a greater gift than love.
And I also felt like a school girl having her first kiss that night! LOL I kept thinking of this song: 

** Why the hell this is so damn large is beyond me LOL!!

What Do You Want Me To Know Right Now? 3/17/11 @ 3AM

I just asked my cards/The Divine/my guides, "What do you want me to know right now?"
The first card I notice is the 4 of Swords. I kinda think that this means since it's 02:51 I need to carry my tail to sleep! I am such a nocturnal creature so my days and nights are always spun around. Even when I was a flight attendant I picked up every red-eye I could get. I have things to do tomorrow so even though I don't have to get up early per se, I do have to get up earlier than my body will be  pleased with since it's 3am and I'm still wide awake.

The Hierophant V let's me know that this is not just one of my guides, but God/Goddess speaking to me. This card to me is all about The Divine saying "get your shit together. you can b.s. the rest of the world  and maybe even yourself, but not me. So I"m calling you out!" He is the ultimate teacher. And I see the school of fish on the card and with the 8 of pentacles right next to it, I know it's addressing how passionate I am about being a student of the tarot. (There are a lot of earth cards so I know this also means that I can be financially successful at this!)

Another take I am getting is the bird in is hand as the girl is trying to peek at him. She has on a striped shirt in both this card and the 8ofP and that makes me think of Paris and my dream of going to pro make-up school there. "A little bird told me you want to be a student of tarot as well as make-up. So why are you hiding so sheepishly back there and not talking directly to the teacher? Because if you look at who you are in the 8ofP, you can see how much potential for growth you have. And for success. You'll look back on this period of insecurity, fear, and doubt and it will seem so far away because you will be a star for all the world to see. And you to be able to see if you allow yourself to see yourself as a star. That's why it's on your face in the 8ofP. But if you keep lounging all day and not taking action, that you'll be grey like she is in the 4ofSw. Then you'll wonder where the time went. You've got to leave the reef little fish, like Nemo. You have to grow up and take chances or you'll always wonder what else is out there for you."

I felt I needed to pull one more card. It is The Hermit IX. This version of it looks like Jesus to me and makes me think of how he had to go out on his own to find the answers of who he was meant to be and why he was put here to bring enlightenment to the world. Just like Shakumuni Buddha. I want both make-up and tarot to be a means for helping people create joy from within and to share that with the world. The Hermit IX is also tied to the sign Virgo, and school starts in September lol.

The bottom line card is The Hanged Man XII. Only I can get me free from the ropes that hold me back. The guy with the butterfly net is chasing his dreams and he is doing it his way. With a happy red heart on his cheek. 

An Interview With the Tarot of the Sweet Twilight

I just got my Tarot of the Sweet Twilight and couldn't be happier with it! The colors are so vivid and gorgeous! I'll be so glad when I have a scanner so the true beauty of the cards can be seen. They are so dream-like, so rich and vibrant! Looking at them is not like looking at still pictures, but at very slow motion videos. They remind me of a Johnny Depp/Tim Burton colaboration. I think I may have to start reviewing my decks because I have so many and I love them all. But I can say that this one will remain very high on my list of favorites! Anyway, I remembered a spread I saw on the blog of a wonderful lady (a fellow Capricorn--tee-hee hee!) names Lisa from the UK. Please check out her blog, as I have included a link to it. She has created two other blogs and doesn't update this one very often anymore which I am very sad to say because I learned so much from her. But she has tons of entries and is very passionate about tarot as means of healing. This spread is really cool because it gives you a chance to explore what a particular deck has to offer and how to best communicate with it.


        An Interview With the Tarot of the Sweet Twilight
8 of Pentacles: This card jumped out as I was shuffling. This deck will make me a stronger reader, give me the training I need to advance my skills and to finally take it pro. It has a lot to teach me. The pentacles that are buried show my potential for improving my skills. I need to relax and soak up the knowledge.

1. What is your most important characteristic? The Wheel of Fortune X
I own so many decks, had so many ups and downs, been round and round with myself about if I am or ever will be a "good" or "qualified" reader. The first thing that stands out in this card is the little girl's ears. I will be able to hear my guides even better. It will force me to have to listen to them and to trust that they won't let me fall. The Wheel also has a strong association to money, so I'm really feeling that I will use this deck to make money. Is that a broken heart or a set of lips at the bottom of the tree?? It will enable me to speak to people with compassion to bring healing and honesty. This is also my card in numerology that is the sum of my birthday (I forget what it is called) so I have a strong connection to it and the Magician I. This deck is going to prove to be very important to my growth as a reader.

2. What are your strengths? Ace of Swords
Well if this doesn't make all the sense in the world lol. This Ace is all about a new beginning that you may not think you are ready for and may even be forced upon you, so it is kinda scary. But you will be so glad you went for the ride. This deck is so bold, look at the explosion of vibrant colors and the raw emotions. This gorgeous woman is so calm and so confident as she pulls her sword out of its scabbard. This deck is confident so it expects I will honor it by being so as well. It's strength is in cutting through the shit that causes me to doubt myself.

3. Limitations? 9 of Wands
In the LWB it says "the joy of actually making it pushes tiredness into the background." I'm not sure is if this deck has any limits except any that I impose upon it. The girl has the sword in her hands. It's like she has gone from in the Ace of Swords to this place carrying her confidence, or it has carried and sustained her. She has come from those clouds in the background, the dark times of mot having a clear mind or not always knowing where she is going to end up, but she persevered and now she is on top. This woman says there are no limits once you work beyond your fear and doubt.

4. What are you here to teach me? 4 of Cups
Stop moping, get of your ass, and take action. She's sitting on top of the house. I've got to get out of the house and do readings and not just sit here and to them on my computer. Or if I do, branch out and do reading over the web. She has wings, yet she refuses to fly!! And she is fishing from a tiny cup and not from a lake, river or ocean; stop selling myself short and limiting myself.

5. How can I best work with you? Queen of Wands
This Queen is the mover and shaker. She's active and alive. She is all about work and energy. She is a career woman who can balance all the various aspects of her busy life. Here she looks so sad because she is alone and just standing there. This Queen thrives on being busy. The flowers around her head say she has so many beautiful thoughts that deserve to be expressed and shared with others. It reminds me of the most beautiful compliment any man has ever given me, and he is the King of Wands (maybe more of the Knight--grow up please), but he told me "you have the most beautiful mind of anybody I have ever known." I can best work with this gorgeous deck by seeing my own beauty and by by embracing the fact that this is a viable source of income!

6.Potential outcome: Death XIII
Something big is gonna jump of in the next three months. This card is associated with the sign of Scorpio, which is the sign of depth and passion. I am so passionate about tarot and helping others to empower themselves through it. This may be the most beautiful Death XIII card I have ever seen. It's like she is just sleeping and the Grim Reaper is more like experience and wisdom that is carrying her to the next phase, getting her away from the barren surroundings that are so desolate. The potential outcome is awakening me, transforming my gift and breathing life into my readings.

Bottom Line: The Hanged Man XII
Break free from my own self-imposed restrictions. I've been bullshitting for to long. This can be the dawn of a new day for me as a reader, so stop reading damn tarot books and just read the damn cards woman!

Something Wicked This Way Comes...

Well hell and damnation!!! I decided to ask the cards what does this next week hold for me and i get The Fool 0, The Tower XVI and the 5 of swords!!! WTF!??! In the same day I have managed to pull the damn 5ofSw twice! And to have it next to The Tower XVI is like gasoline to the fire! My eye was drawn to paper in the fireplace first. Are missing or destroyed documents in question? The one thing I must say about the way The Faulkner Tarot depicts this card is that it is at least a contained fire and does seem like total devastation. But that nasty, nasty 5ofSw makes me wonder what unpleasant and nasty surprise do I need to be aware of. Since The Fool 0 is here and the gypsy meaning for it is moving, I really pray it has nothing to do with my new residence. Either way, I will really pray for the protection and happiness of both me and my enemies in hopes of diffusing what looks to be something very ugly, mean, and nasty where no one will win and irreparable damage is done.

So now I have to ask: What can I do to prevent this or to protect myself?

The Wheel X, the 7 of swords, 3 of cups. I am drawn first to the center of The Wheel and think I want to look up Rhiannon's meaning of when that draws your attention first. It is the "good luck" card, yet its' right next to the nasty bad luck of the 7ofSw which is all about lies and thievery and cheating. I really do not like this because The Wheel is all about karma and how sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug and with that 7 next to it, it says to me my luck ain't so good and being the bug is beyond my control this week. And the woman pictured is walking under a ladder which we all know is complete bad luck! With the 3ofc next to that, the first thing that popped into  my head was "commitment", and next to the 7ofSw I'd say the end of one. Man I hope this room mate shit doesn't get even worse. The only way around this that i can see is to at least try to avoid any situations where I would be at risk and to be true to my commitment to my principles and to myself.

Daily Reading 3/6/11

Well I see what this is in reference to straight away. The card at the bottom of the deck, the 8 of cups, is exactly what this is all about. My old room mate telling me I needed to find another place to live while I was out of town. And we can see me leaving out with my bag in this card. The 5 of swords makes me nervous that this is gonna get even nastier. She called me yesterday. It's like she wants to act like nothing ever happened and out interaction is to continue just like any other day. I was polite, but not warm. At the end of the conversation she said I love you. I just said goodbye. I heard her laugh as she was hanging up, as if to say to me that she took note of that and say to hell with me too. The 4 of pentacles shows the fact that I have no savings because I have gone through it since my back has been hurt. In the 9 of wands, that's me, hot under the collar and feeling under the gun because since my name is not on a lease, that could end up happening again. I woke up several times through out the night thinking of yesterday's phone interaction and feeling so anxious and unsettled. I have got to take charge of my life and stop putting myself in situations where others have power over me and can choose to use it against me when I least expect it. 

Going to See the Queen of Wands, the King of Pentacles, and 3 Princess of Pentacles today

LOL!! Well if this isn't crystal clear confirmation! I'm going in a few hours to see my g/f Jacqui and help her for a day while she has lasiks surgery. She is a Sag. She actuaclly has 3 daughters whom  I love and adore, and this cards meaning and the interpretation with Nathalie doing ten things at once is dead on lol! Her husband is a Virgo who drives a really sweet little sports car quite similar to the one on the card. She just told me about an amazing possible new bussisness opportunity for me that could be pretty profitable! I see myself getting off the dark island and going toward the end of that rainbow.